so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
