I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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