I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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