So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
