he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
