no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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