I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
