I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Don't make out with my wife yet
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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