my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Randomize
