i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
you made out with another girl for some wings
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
