the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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