like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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