new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
