Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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