I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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