I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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