i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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