Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
