I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
