two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
