You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
