I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize