what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
