bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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