I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
