I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
