She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
