i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
