im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
