Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
