I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
