I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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