My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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