I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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