So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
