Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
