Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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