You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
