your parents love me but you hate me
I'm so fucking centered right now
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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