Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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