My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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