I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
