i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
