Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
