it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
