I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
