I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
