well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
