It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
