the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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