Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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