I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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